Originally published on metropolis.co.jp on February 2014

JAPANESE COUPLES WON’T KISS IN PUBLIC BUT WILL BREAK UP AT STATION

“We had such a lovely day, why did he wait until it was time to go home to tell me he was dumping me,” Miwako Watanabe sobbed into her handkerchief. As Kentaro Sato, the alleged dumper, hugged Watanabe and patted her back, he also checked his smartphone for text messages. Watanabe continued to sob as Sato replied to emails from his new girlfriend and avoided eye contact with onlookers. “Break-ups are always hard,” Sato explained. “What was I supposed to do? Tell her I was never going to see her again before we went to the love hotel?”

OLYMPIC VILLAGE CAFETERIA TABLE CONFLICT FLARES BETWEEN ASIAN TEAMS

Yet another territorial dispute erupted between China, Korea and Japan as the participants at the Sochi Olympics all laid claims to a cafeteria table in the Olympic Village. International mediators are working with the concerned nations to establish the veracity of claims to the table that sits in a strategic location near both the salad bar and bathrooms, and includes a full unobstructed view of the television.

The Chinese team asserts that a tray and half-eaten apple they left earlier in the day marks the table as their rightful property. Japanese officials argue, however, the unfinished, abandoned apple doesn’t supersede the right of possession guaranteed by a team member who just sat down. While Korea has no specific assertion regarding the table, they have entered the negotiations since, “It is really nearby and we don’t want to be left out.”

Japan’s claim also includes a one-meter “exclusive eating zone” surrounding the table and access to all folding chairs within the area—whether or not said chairs may occasionally have moved between tables. As yet, no resolution to the dispute has been made and efforts to share the table have been rejected.

EXCHANGE STUDENTS AGREE, ‘JAPANESE HUGS SUCK’

Maya Santos, a second year student from Brazil at Waseda University sat at the cafeteria table with ten other exchange students from across the globe as she explained one of the reasons she was so homesick after only one month of living in Japan. “Japanese hugs suck! Nothing makes me feel more like the carrier of a potentially pandemic disease than when someone tries to hug me without touching any part of my body. I can see the calculation in their faces as they try not to touch me with the hug that they themselves have initiated and these are just the hugs from the people I’ve slept with!” The students all nodded in agreement. Amy Garrity, an exchange student from Scotland who has lived in Japan for two years added, “I think it’s really starting to affect me. When I went home for Christmas, people gave me really big hugs and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Are we going to have sex now?’ And that’s when I got hugs from my family.”

AMERICAN CELEBRITIES WANT JAPAN  TO  STOP  SLAUGHTERING DOLPHINS, SUGGEST KILLING SOMETHING UGLY INSTEAD

Japan is facing severe criticism from the Western entertainment industry for trapping and killing large numbers of dolphins near the fishing town of Taiji. “Dolphins are just so cute! How could it be tradition to kill something that smiles at you all the time? If it was a creepy smile, then I could understand, but dolphin smiles aren’t creepy, are they?”

American actress and dolphin activist Scarlett Johansson called for a stop to the slaughter of dolphins and suggested killing more sea urchins instead. “Sea urchins are spiky rocks with mouth anuses. You don’t want them to smile at you. You can kill loads of sea urchins and nobody will care. Plus, the gonads of the sea urchin are considered an aphrodisiac in Japan and can help improve the currently dwindling birth rate,” she continued. “Gonads are good for you, they are high in vitamin A, D and Zinc, but only if you swallow.”

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